Peter was a magnificent human—generous, wise, and amazingly gifted—Aikido master, classical vocalist, massage therapist extraordinaire. He exuded a confident can-do-attitude while radiating gentle comfort to everyone he met. The day he visited me, many years ago, I needed both confidence and comfort. I was in great pain with as yet undiagnosed gall stones. It’s unusual for your massage therapist to make house calls when you’re ill. But that visit was signature Peter. Frozen in pain on rumpled white sheets, I couldn’t move, let alone handle any touch whatsoever. While reassuring me with his kind words, I started to breathe more deeply and relax. With continued encouragement, and impeccable timing, he finally nudged me, “Gloria, you can always move something. No matter how small the movement, you can always move something.” So, to help him know his visit was not in vain, I slowly stretched out my left leg and surprisingly felt how good that micromovement felt. It even took my mind off my abdominal pain for a brief moment. When I moved my right leg a few inches I realized I didn’t have to allow pain to paralyze my will. A tiny motion of any kind brought a bit of welcome relief.

Soon after his visit, I had gall bladder surgery and Peter was diagnosed with leukemia. I was back to a new life with a different diet and more commitment to my health. Peter, on the other hand, prepared for his death. And when it came, I imagine he wisely knew how and when to let go. Hundreds who were touched by him, in one way or another, celebrated his remarkable life. But his leaving this world at the age 40 perplexed, even angered me. Eventually I found solace in believing that his magnanimous spirit was needed elsewhere in the universe. He had to leave us for a pressing soul assignment.

Over the years I have kept him nearby thinking or saying out loud: “You Can Always Move Something.” In fact, my husband and I often remind each other of Peter’s adage when we think we can’t do something.

Hurting too much to exercise?

“Honey, the corn on my left foot is bothering me so much, I can’t walk today.”

 “Oh, but you can always move something.” 

“Yes, I guess you’re right, I can do some stretches and hand weights instead.”

Overwhelmed by clutter?

“I just don’t have the energy to clean off my desk space right now.”

“Oh, but you can always move something.”

“OK, as I think about it, I can put these books back on the shelf and that will give me less to clear up tomorrow.”

Daunted by the scope of the task?

“I can’t possibly do 40 of these Wim Hof breaths at one sitting.”

“But you can always move something.”

“I guess I could start with 10 breaths and work my way up.”

And on it goes. And as we start small, we begin to trust those tiny moves. And that becomes easier to do as we experience their magical effects as we progress. Like building a castle from one brick piled on another, the first arduous steps of new endeavors feel stark because there is no evident structure. Gradually, the structure emerges as momentum builds. The slow, simple steps actually do something. And as we continue to arrange the bricks to our suiting, moving back every now and then to admire our accomplishment—we realize—wow, major positive changes have been made. “I began with a resting heart rate of 68 beats per minute and now my resting heart rate is 57 beats per minute. Where would I be today if I hadn’t started with a few simple small steps?”

As I coach parents during the enormous challenges brought on by the pandemic, I have shared with them Peter’s refrain and some of my experiences using it. Small steps are often under-rated, especially in times of considerable troubles and constant stress. What will doing one load of laundry do for me when I have 7 to get through?  Maybe not that much. But something. Finishing one load, could muster your energy to finish one other, leaving tomorrow with fewer loads to face. Isabel Allende famously writes 1,000 words day. By the end of the year, she has written a novel.

When I developed PCI’s parent coaching model, I intentionally put in “Small things mean more than we ever know” as one of the essential guiding principles. Research now verifies this common-sense nugget. For instance, Stanford University Behavior Scientist BJ Fogg spent over five years of intensive research on the subject and has created TheTiny Habits® Method based on his best-selling book, Tiny Habits: The Small Changes that Change Everything.

From behavior scientists to executive coaches, many professionals know that starting small and staying small ensures long-term progress and sustainability. Habits take time to develop after all. Yet, as new behaviors become a normal part of our daily routines, we grow new ways of being and doing. As writer Ann Heberlein puts it, “When choices, actions, and decisions are repeated, they become habits, and gradually express themselves as permanent features of an individual’s character.” 

When I coach parents, we meet weekly for 75 minute-sessions work over a two-or three-month time period. That gives them enough room to try out “new small moves” and check back with me to explore how they are working. I love coaching because for me it is ultimately about helping parents understand and use their parenting strengths to meet their children’s/teens’ developmental needs. When kids receive what they need to grow optimally, they are on track for flourishing now and into their future. Plus everyone’s life becomes much easier.

Below are two “small moves” that have worked well for my coaching clients during these stressful times, especially with remote learning challenges. Perhaps they will help you and your kids in some way?

We Can Always Move…the Body 

I’m in agreement with artist and writer Natalie Goldberg when she says, “It’s better to be crazy than false.” That’s why I continue to help parents reduce their children’s/teens’ screen time—even in our current Zoom-school COVID world. Call me crazy, but I believe, it’s more crucial than ever to do so. It’s false to think that screen overuse isn’t damaging or is neural. No, not so. Too much screen time negatively impacts every aspect of the developing body, mind, spirit attitude, will, behavior, self-identity, literacy capacities, creativity, willingness to learn, listen deeply, cooperate, align with intuition, choose wisely, become tech savvy and lots more. 

One small thing that will be enormously significant over time is to help kids move more often—even if they have to be on Zoom for 5-8 hours daily. That doesn’t mean they can’t stand, sway, swirl, skip, or stretch every 20 minutes. Or do jumping jacks. Or dance; tumble on pillows. Or begin Yoga, Tai Chi, or?

“Oh, but the teacher might not like that.” “My child may miss something important…” I have heard many excuses to which I respond: “Please explain to the teacher what you will be doing and why you are putting small movement breaks into your child’s Zoom life every 20 minutes. No excuses. This is important. I promise you will see major shifts in child’s/teen’s attitude, will, ability to listen and learning skills all change for the better.” Parenting in alignment with how humans function best is its own reward—for both parents and kids.

We Can Always Move…Attention 

Moving parental attention to intentionally focus on our children isn’t easy—to say the least—especially when job demands and deadlines are in the same room with them! Carving out time and space for 1:1 time with each child is one “small move” that pays dividends. Time spent enjoying our children, even 15 minutes daily without any distractions, brings calm and centering to both parent and child. Sharing time and space away from stressful satiations, such as a quiet walk in the snow or cozy time cuddling with a new book, helps everyone in numerous ways—reducing stress, helping kids feel known and understood, deepening parent-child communication—for starters. I have seen1:1 parent-child time bring amazing changes.  Children become more cooperative—surer of themselves as they feel reassured of their place in the family, they don’t worry so much about their place in this chaotic world. They can handle it with all the parental love they feel poured on them during 1:1 special times. These bracketed intervals also provide welcome breaks to moms and dads from the rigors of parenting. With permission to simply enjoy their children, parents become more confident, trust their instincts, communicate their values, and appreciate themselves and their children on new levels. 

Yes, we can always move something. What will be your next move?

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References

Ann Heberlein, On Love and Tyranny: The Life and Politics of Hannah Arendt, House of Anasi Press, 2021, p. 206.

Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within, Shambala Publications, 2016, p. 37.

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Copyright, Gloria DeGaetano. All rights reserved., 20121.