What do we know about ourselves this March that we didn’t know last March?

For us at PCI this has been a year of hunting for silver linings, giving heart-felt help in the midst of suffering, and searching for creative solutions around continual obstacles. I, our instructors, and staff eased up on ourselves and supported each other in new ways as COVID disrupted plans and turned our world upside down. The view from that perspective necessitated our individual growth, as well as our growth as a team—as you probably experienced as well for yourself and your family. We just couldn’t stay the same in our own skins to cope effectively and learn new resiliency tricks to meet the challenges. Trying to stay inspired turned out to be key.

Inspiration for me can take different forms. Sometimes it’s small thing—like buying a new bar of soap and finding I love the scent so much I keep the wrapper at my desk to smell throughout the day—or even for a few days—until the scent is gone. In fact, sensory experiences, no matter how small, rejuvenate both my body and spirit—whether it’s a warm bath, a quiet walk on a favorite path breathing in fresh air and seeing spring shoots emerging, or observing a magnificent sunset while making dinner. We don’t need to be neuroscientists to know that sensory experiences in the real world calm us and help us return to center. They are great gifts from earth’s bounty, especially in trying times. 

“Humans are sensual creatures; we vibrate in response to sounds, colors, fragrances, textures, flavors—everything that pleases our senses. We are moved not only by the beauty of the planet, but also by what we can create.”  ~ Isabel Allende

I also find much inspiration from dedicated people. The frontline workers—the nurses, the doctors, the ambulance drivers; teachers and all school staff—all those who stay stalwart and available to so many in time of need. Thinking about what it must take to do this day-in and day-out, I can’t help but put aside my own concerns and carry on. Effort, perseverance through difficulties by supposedly common people actually reveal them as the heroes and sheroes of our day.  

I often invite my coaching clients to talk with their children/teens about who the kids admire in their communities, schools, places of worship, etc. And then write a thank you letter to one of those heroes/sheroes weekly. Parents who did this through the COVID crisis found that the activity gave them numerous opportunities to talk with their kids about the qualities of character and leadership they wanted to instill in them. These conversations also naturally drew out from the kids a heart-felt sense of gratitude for other’s genuine service. 

The NCAA Men’s and Women’s Basketball Championships going on now provide another great opportunity for families to talk about the fruits of grit and commitment—especially if family members are basketball fans! I am; so, I very much enjoy watching the fine-tuned expertise of all the players. Talk about inspiring! Having accomplished so much to arrive at this level of competition, they are all winners in my mind. But I have to admit I love watching the “under-dogs” upset the “top-dogs.” When that happens, I usually find myself re-thinking: What qualities lie underneath stamina and belief in oneself?

Recently I came across the late, legendary Coach John Wooden’s “Pyramid of Success.” You may recall that Coach Wooden’s success record catapulted him into rarified air. In regular season play, for instance, he still holds the record for most consecutive victories—88 during 1971, 1972, 1973. His UCLA team won the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship seven consecutive years from 1967-1973 and holds the record—still—for most appearances in the Final Four, most consecutive appearances, and most victories. To own even one of these historic records would be outstanding—to win all these, and more (check out the official website dedicated in his honor) is utterly astounding. So, when John Wooden gives ideas on the qualities that comprise “success,” I pay attention.

Creating Your Family’s Pyramid of Success

Step 1: Get to Know What Character Traits Your Child/Teen Values

Go to Coach Wooden’s Pyramid of Success here. With your kids, read the qualities he has selected, along with each explanation, by clicking on each quality.

Some questions to ask your kids:

• Why do you think Coach Wooden put “friendship” and not “team spirit” as one of the foundational qualities? You can ask about any quality’s placement on the pyramid that you or your kids are curious about. Take special note of the rationale given by your child or teen. You can than ask more questions based on those responses.

• What other qualities might you have added? Why?

• In your success experiences, which of these qualities did you use? What strengths do you us the most to persevere?

• Which of these come easier for you? Which are you working on?

Step 2: What’s at the Top of Your Child’s Success Pyramid?

Spend some time talking about “competitive greatness,” at the top of Wooden’s Pyramid of Success. What does that really mean? Who does your child/know that exhibits this quality? What are important distinctions between competitive greatness and competitive ruthlessness? 

After exploring what the “top” quality is to Coach Wooden explore what your child’s/teen’s top quality might be if s/her were to create their personal Pyramid of Success. How does your child define, “success?”

You can help older kids and teens come up with the qualities that lead to this success, so they make up their own Pyramid of Success. For younger children, you may want to check out, Inches and Miles: The Journey to Success—the inspiring children’s book Coach Wooden wrote

Step 3: Construct Your Family’s Pyramid of Success

As most of you know, I am all for ensuring children and teens contribute to the family as they can at their distinct stage of development. In fact, I frame contribution “as relationship” and consider it an essential human need, devoting a chapter on it as one of the Vital Five in one of my books. Chores—and any way our kids contribute to the workings of the family–provide them with meaning and purpose, helping them know who they are and who they can become. When children or teens contribute regularly to the workings of family life, they know they fill an important role—only they can fill. Autonomy, competence, and relatedness flourish with this knowledge and feeling. These are the three qualities that Edward Deci and Richard Ryan have isolated from their 4 decades of research to demonstrate human self-determination. That’s right! Qualities of perseverance to an outcome when faced with a difficult task, along with resilience under pressure, both find their origins in our autonomy, competence, and ability to relate well to others.

So that said, you can begin to frame your family as a team, riffing off Coach Wooden’s pyramid. As a system of individuals, working together each and every day, what values are important to all of you as a success team? Start with the most foundational qualities for laying the solid base Then move on up.

Finally, talk at length about: What is our main purpose together as a family? Once you arrive at that, put it at the top of your pyramid. 

When complete, your Family Success Pyramid conveys your values and priorities to your kids. They know what character traits support an identified purpose that you all created together. Plus, now everyone has a guiding north star to steer you all toward your unique family version of success. What could be more inspiring?

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Copyright, Gloria DeGaetano, 2021. All rights reserved.

References

Isabel Allende, The Soul of a Woman, Ballantine Books, 2020., p. 41