I tried out my new visor hat recently on a particularly high-wind day. If it stayed on my head on that day, it would do fine for typically breezy days in the Pacific Northwest. I bought this cap because of its wide brim with no ties at the chin. Instead, it has two secure round bands that fit snugly on each side of the head. During wind gusts, though, I needed to either hold it down or adjust the bands lower on my head so the brim also lowered.  This kept the hat secure from the wind, but it affected my peripheral vision. I had to look carefully straight ahead if I didn’t want to bump into anything.

Walking this way, I thought to myself:  “WOW! Literally…I can only see what’s in front of me.”

How often do we have to ignore all the “other stuff” in order to focus on what’s in front of us? Whether it’s a job deadline, a crying child, or an anxious friend, we have plenty of opportunities every day to ignore the peripheral to concentrate solely on the important.

However, with distracting winds calling to us from many directions many times a day, it’s near impossible for us mortal humans to filter out everything.

For instance, we might be able to make dinner while listening to our teen talk about plans for doing her homework after dinner. But if she is having a hard time making those plans or experiencing any problem with her homework, then we can’t easily split our focus. Our priority shifts with her need and we stop what we are doing—if we can—to focus in on her concerns. 

High-priority needs steer our attention…when we are centered and able to figure out, “Just what is the highest priority at this moment?”

And that’s the magic trick. Too often, conflicting demands cause confusion and ultimately more chaos.

Take the above example: Say you couldn’t stop making dinner and your teen kept on complaining and soon her anger started boiling over like the pot you were attending to. Now you have to drop everything (take the food off the burner) and intervene because you have a teen tantrum to deal with. But she no longer wants to talk and walks abruptly away, going into her room, slamming the door. Now you are attending not only to the family’s dinner, but to your feelings as well as your daughter’s unresolved feelings, along with her expressed ones! It’s going to take a lot more time and energy to sort all this out—much more effort on your part than if you had taken the time to talk with her before the emotional drama had started.

But who knew it would escalate like this and so fast? Life once again has interrupted life. And bewildered parents take the brunt of this unexpected turn of events. As one who knows this dance between level of need and depth of distraction, I have found the Theory of Constraints to be helpful. Maybe you will too?

The Theory of Constraints is a tool from production management. It has become a proven methodology for identifying the most important limiting factor (i.e. constraint) that stands in the way of achieving a goal and then systematically improving that constraint until it is no longer the limiting factor. 

TOC as it is often called, was developed by Dr. Eliyahu Goldratt and uses a focusing process of five steps to ascertain which constraint could be holding up the works. In parent coaching, I and PCI Certified Parent Coaches® use a reflective inquiry coaching model to figure this out, instead of those five steps. With an exploratory canvas as our backdrop we help parents determine which might be the limiting significant constraints they want to start working on. We ask about these “potential roadblocks” during the first initial Coaching In-Take Session. Where parents begin with these noticed obstacles might not be the place they land, for sure. But the important first step is to ponder as many potential limiting factors as possible and then begin addressing one by one. In my experience, it quickly becomes evident where the “bottleneck” is because as soon as the parent attends to it, using his/her strengths and gathered resources, so many positive things start happening.

Let’s consider the scenario above. What do you think is the most important limiting factor?

• Teen daughter’s attitude and concerns over homework?
• Teen daughter’s need to talk with parent?
• Parent’s need to get dinner done on time for entire family’s schedule?
• Parent’s level of energy to make dinner and communicate with teen effectively?
• Parent and teen relationship?

The list could go one. You and I don’t know what the most important constraint is. That would take some reflection, questioning, and examination. But I have my hunches.

If I were coaching this parent, I might begin by exploring his/her level of energy at this time of day. For me, energy always comes first as a significant potential constraint. Without enough of it, we can’t do what we want or show up for others as we would like.

From there I would go to the parent-teen relationship, rather than any specifics in this situation. Is the relationship solid enough for parent to express that s/he want to talk with teen but can’t just now? Can teen accept a later time to talk and feel secure enough to accept this postponement?

Significant limiting factors are unique to individuals, relationships, and families. By taking time to pinpoint them, we have a much more powerful way to navigate conflicting demands throughout the day. Prioritizing what is most important to attend to helps us notice significant limiting factors. Then, attending to those significant limiting factors clears the way for us to spend more time and energy on what really matters most.

We literally hold onto our hats while steering steadily through the blustery winds!

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Copyright, Gloria DeGaetano, 2021. All rights reserved.