Dear Reader, 

In order to understand this blog post, it’s best if you first read the article, “My Kid Sold her Soul to Roblox,” by Emily Flake.

When Jimi Hendrix asked, “Are you experienced?” he wasn’t singing about what I first thought he was singing about. I thought he was singing about the value of multiple types of experiences to enrich our lives. Life experiences enhance our growth, helping us form a healthy self-identity as creative beings. That’s my mental image of “being experienced.” In fact, I made sure lots of “enriched experiences” were integral to parenting my sons to their self-actualized maturity.

But this is not at all what Hendrix meant by “being experienced.” He ends the song… “not necessarily stoned, but beautiful”—not necessarily drugged out of your mind—but just enough to be “experienced.” He was in effect asking:

• Are you experienced to intimately know that world of high and to hell with the lowly real life? 
• Are you experienced enough in this chemically-induced transcendent world to be considered proficient, skillful, an expert? 
• Are you experienced to be super-cool—one of the privileged few who are “in the know?”

Come on now: Are. You. Experienced?

Yes, tragically Jimi was indeed experienced in this way. And, in the classic characteristic of addiction, ended up consumed by those drug experiences. 

 “A definite drug-like response,” that’s how Dr. Donald Schiffrin, a pediatrician I interviewed for an educational video I produced way back in 1999, quickly answered when asked how too much screen time affects young brains. Since then, decades of research continue to point in that direction. 

Experts like Dr. Jane Healy, Dr. Victoria Dunkley, Dr. Craig Anderson, and Dr. Douglas Gentile, are pioneers in this field. I urge all parents to read their books and research, as well as others who see first-hand the drug effect in their work with children and teens. Dr. Nicholas Kardaras, executive director of The Dunes East Hampton, one of the country’s top rehabilitation centers for tech addiction in youth, and author of Glow Kids, calls the screen drug effect, “digital heroin.”

“That’s right — your kid’s brain on Minecraft looks like a brain on drugs. No wonder we have a hard time peeling kids from their screens and find our little ones agitated when their screen time is interrupted. In addition, hundreds of clinical studies show that screens increase depression, anxiety and aggression and can even lead to psychotic-like features where the video gamer loses touch with reality.”

In my books, during the personalized coaching I do with individuals, couples, and groups, and in my training of professionals to become PCI parent coaches, I explain how fast paced screen content hyper activates lower brain functions and under activates thinking functions—especially in young brains whose cortical areas, including executive functions, are not fully matured. Hence, young children have little or no defense against the drug-like effects of screen entertainment on their impressionable brains. 

And now in this COVID induced Zoom world, as more parents move closer to a breaking point, trying to manage an untenable situation, I encourage them to put the brakes on screen time. This is not as difficult as everyone thinks it is. 

Yes, even in our current circumstances, willing parents, no matter how stressed or overwhelmed, can manage screen time and use screens in age appropriate ways to help children “get experienced” in the best possible ways. Every parent I have worked with—and there have been thousands—eventually claim victory because I don’t start with all the “shoulds” they need to be doing. I don’t even start with the research (except in books and blog posts). And I certainly don’t start our journey to screen time sanity by addressing parental guilt (usually a perpetual state of parenthood for most of us). No, we may visit those places in our work together, but not at the very beginning. The first question I start with is:

Do you trust your child’s brain?

Growing brains are extremely malleable, adapting readily to what they experience. Trust the child’s brain to seek meaning, purpose, engagement in the 3 D world…and wa-la, that’s what happens.

The second question: Do you trust your own brain? often takes parents aback. Yet, when open to the idea—that they have all it takes to solve the screen dilemma—willing parents do find a better way. Since adult brains have the potential of firing connections as vast as the number of atoms in the known universe—I know parents can come up with age-appropriate experiences that bypass tech interference. They soon know this, by doing this!

In awe of how fast they “get their kids back,” parents often become more confident as they find that with the return of their cooperative, humane kids, the relaxed inner parent shows up—you know the one who isn’t always in a power struggle with the kids over screen time. Hassles fall away, replaced by more harmony. Family life enlivens, even in COVID times. Lesson learned: A healthy human brain, whether young or old, is mighty powerful.

Which brings me now to Ms. Flake’s article. It is obvious she has a fully operating brain. In fact, since she is “prodigiously talented,” as a New York Times editor describes her, I am wondering if she writes this article a little tongue in cheek and that her daughter is not at risk for being addicted to screens like most of us mere-mortal parents. On her website Ms. Flake describes herself as a cartoonist-writer-performer-teacher-illustrator (who likes hyphens). Evidently her daughter is growing up in a household where creative expression is cherished and expected. 

And to Ms. Flake’s credit, she admitted she was failing her daughter by allowing her so much time on the screen. She admits, “the addictive, immersive world of video games was something I’d hoped to keep her out of for as long as possible.” And that, because she herself was depressed, well, the screen became the go-to sitter. If she could have trusted her and her daughter’s brain a bit more, she could have saved herself some angst. But to nobody’s fault, this flawed thinking about kids and screens has been rampant for decades.  It goes something like this:

Flawed Thinking about Kids and Screens:

Child needs social interactions with her peers. (Of. Course.)

Child needs to interact with peers, therefore, playing video games or app games with friends is the only recourse parents have so child can interact with peers. (Illogical and just plain wrong.)

_________

Fix for Flawed Thinking about Kids and Screens:

Trust Your Child’s Brain. Trust Your Own Brain.

In these COVID physical-distance times, why not present kids with such ideas:

• You and your friend read the same book (A Newbury Award winner or another literary option about real life issues), the same number of pages at the same time of day, and then have a facetime meeting to talk about what you read. Then each of you guess what is going to happen next and, read again to find out, and come back to talk about it. I bet you could read a book in 3 days! How many books would that be this school year?
• You and your friend learn how to play chess or Go together over Zoom.
• You and your friend watch the same movie at the same time, etc. (see above)

And with such suggestion’s we parents make clear our expectations. Then kids come up with great ideas to match our expectations. Kids don’t always know what’s good for them, but they want to know we know what’s good for them.

And when overloaded, the adult brain can always find plenty of ideas offered by experts online. Two I encountered a few days ago: The organization, Defending the Early Years, has compiled a report on how parents are managing COVID with sound suggestions. It’s downloadable as a PDF. My colleague, early childhood specialist and and long-time child advocate, Rae Pica offers sound advice and interesting ideas in a recent blog post.

So, if I had a conversation with Ms. Flake, I would ask her why such a creative person as herself thinks that technology is necessary to mediate socialization for her child?

And I probably would ask her these questions, too:

Your daughter is “on the cusp of turning 8.” That means she has less than 96 months of life experience on this planet (most of us have home mortgages much older). Do you fully understand the risk you are dealing with to expose her so soon to video games? And, by the way, did you know Common Sense Media rates Roblox for ages 13 and higher?

Did you not consider her “inconsolable sobbing” as a dire warning she is on the cusp of screen addiction? Did you ever consider her “you-don’t-know-what-I-know-attitude” as a clue something big is amiss? She is far from a teen brain/mind, yet she is acting like a teen who has to be cool, in order to be heard. This is risky at her age or at any age, really. It demonstrates that type of “drug-effect” I mentioned above with Jimi: “I am super-cool. I know the important things. Because you do not know the important things, you really know nothing.” Did that thought ever occur to you? Disturb you, if it did occur to you?

I was so glad to read to the end of your article to see that you value real-world experiences for your daughter. So, I am doubly perplexed why you felt/thought that video games were your only alternative to provide peer distance, fun interactions for her?  I am wondering: did you happen to hear what your daughter and her friend were speaking about when splashing at the beach? Did they seem “into” that real-world experience, enjoying the moment? Or were they talking so much about Roblox, their attention consumed by it, that they were oblivious to the sensory world they were experiencing?

And I just have to know…Did you intentionally construct the title of your article to capture eyeballs or do you really think your daughter, not yet 8 years old, has the understanding and the wherewithal to “sell her soul” to a video game? Come on, fess up—was that title meant to grab readers so you could steer them to your new book?

I am so glad you are resolved that things will be different moving forward. If you encounter a lot of tantrums and resistance from your daughter when you start setting limits, I encourage you to read Piaget, Steiner, Vygotsky, Reggio to bolster you during the difficult moments. And once you have succeeded, and experienced all the positive effects of age-appropriate screen time and content, would you consider writing another NYT piece on screens, kids, and parents during COVID, based on your new found experience and insights? You will be experienced in a good way, Ms. Flake! That would be a great gift to share with other parents.

Copyright, Gloria DeGaetano, 2020. All rights reserved.