This morning my husband hugged me, wishing me a Happy Independence Day. Then we both looked at each other and in unison said, “Happy Interdependence Day!” Laughing, we both know how much we depend upon another. And in fact, we acknowledged and then discussed the fact that ever living being—human, plant or animal never goes it alone. They can’t. The very nature of nature means we are all dependent on each other and on the environment, our only earth. We are truly in this together!
Fritjof Capra, the renowned physicist and systems theorist has written about ecological interdependence for over thirty years. In his most recent book, The Systems View of Life: A Unifying Vision, he writes:
“All members of an ecological community are interconnected in a vast and intricate network of relationships, the web of life. They derive their essential properties and, in fact, their very existence from their relationships to other things. Interdependence—the mutual dependence of all life processes on one another—is the nature of all ecological relationships. The behavior of every living member of the ecosystem depends on the behavior of many others. The success of the whole community depends on the success of its individual members, while the success of each member depends on the success of the community as a whole.” (p. 353)
Interdependence with its reciprocity of part to whole and whole to part isn’t a theory or some far-out abstract idea. Interdependence is real, true. Interdependence is how we operate as living systems.
Take any living system out of its nurturing environment and it becomes unhealthy and eventually will die if not put back in a healthy environment. Without clean air, human lungs risk illness and plants risk mutation. Without healthy soil, food cannot grow the right nutrients to ensure optimal health in the people who eat it. You get the picture. And we all know this on some level, yet how do we live our daily lives cognizant of our interdependence on each other and on our environment?
For almost as long as Capra has been writing, I have been working to include a living systems framework in the work I do with parents, teachers, and family support professionals. In fact, a living systems frame is integral to the successful parent coaching model we use at the Parent Coaching Institute. We begin Parent Coach Certification® Training with the principle: “Relationships are primary.” And as can be expected the reaction of the high-level professionals attracted to our program might be some version of, “Well, duh, Gloria, of course.” But when they go a little bit deeper to understand the varying levels of interdependence within a family system of relationships—with each other, with others, with school, with technology, to name only a few—the simplified version goes out the window, replaced with a profound respect for the complexity of the myriad of factors influencing parents and children today.
Often factors that influence a child’s behavior are not clear-cut. For instance, a couple may be at their wits end because their 4 year-old is “a difficult child.” Regular tantrums and uncooperative behavior take a huge toll on the entire family system, making life sheer hell in a lot of cases. When tried and true strategies such as positive discipline, appreciative affirmation, and patient explaining all fail to work as promised, parents are mystified. Yet, once they understand that often in living systems (yes, in us humans because we definitely are living systems!) direct approaches don’t work because humans as living systems are way too complex. There is always a lot of chaos and complexity going on with human families! (I hear you saying, “Well duh, Gloria). All this chaos and complexity means indirect parenting methods and an investigative spirit are needed to supplement direct strategies in order to effect desired changes.
To quote Capra again:
“The fact that the basic pattern of life is a network means the relationships among the members of an ecological community are nonlinear, involving multiple feedback loops. Linear chains of cause and effect exist very rarely in ecosystems. Thus a disturbance will not be limited to a single effect but is likely to spread out in ever-widening patterns. It may even be amplified by interdependent feedback loops, which may completely obscure the source of the disturbance.” (p.354)
With the “disturbance” of an uncooperative four year-old, parents may need to look at other factors such as possible food allergies, peers, the pre-school experience, and/or sleep routines. I have found when parents spend regular one-on-one time with their children, kids at any age become, almost magically, more cooperative. Reducing screen time usually results in much better behavior because the child engages with the real work more often, where s/he has to confront and grow her autonomy in ways that no app or video game can provide.
In fact, the tech environment ushers kids away from the biosphere, as well as distances them from their inner world.
With little opportunities to “go within” and experience themselves as competent living beings in the natural world, they come to see themselves as belonging to the technosphere. Often they are so enthralled with screen technology they renounce the biosphere—their real home and the only place that can meet their human needs. Critical reasons for families to return to a living system mindset.
When parents understand themselves and their children as living systems, gradually all the “musts” and “shoulds” evolve into “wants” and “what ifs.” they treat themselves better because they know for sure now, they are not machines. They let go of an exhausting machine-like pace. For most of my coaching clients, a slower pace naturally develops within the family’s life style. Daily striving pivots to the more practical and realistic: “doing what I can with the energy I have right now.” Arduous struggles turn into interesting adventures. Life becomes more fun and life with children becomes the joy it was meant to be. It feels great to be human, after all!
We can’t fool Mother Nature. Ever. Or as some say, “Nature bats last.” In our techno mechanistic society, we treat ourselves and gift our children by living and parenting as interdependent living systems.
Happy Interdependence Day—every day!